Beat of My Heart
by zoerachael
Summary: AU. Sam and Janet met long before the Stargate program, but how do they handle War, Injury and a failing marriage, along with falling for each other? Femslash, Sam/Janet
1. Part One

**Beat of my Heart**

Part One

Zoe Rachael

* * *

The undeniable sound of rushing wind and the plummeting sensation deep in her core wasn't exactly what she had been hoping to feel her first day back inside a cockpit.

The sound of the 'back seat driver' as she liked to call them, screaming in terror wasn't a welcome experience.

It was indeed all her fault. She knew that she shouldn't be flying a plane, she knew that putting herself in that position, she had practically signed both her own and Lieutenant Raymore's death certificates.

She was too proud, her ego stroked too often. What she deserved was a severe suspension, not a promotion and a convenient reassignment. Not a medal and a medical clearance to ruin even more good men's lives.

The minute she pulled on her flight suite and helmet, she knew something was going to go wrong. It was more than a feeling, it wasn't intuition or anything like that, she just knew she shouldn't be flying. Not that she would ever admit that weakness to anyone.

When it first happened, it was close to the end of the run, and even Raymore didn't notice the slight unintentional sway off-course. At that point she thought it was all going to be okay. All she had to do was a simple double roll before heading back to base.

Or at least she thought it was simple. When it happened again, she was halfway through her second roll, tearing past a tall and thin rock formation, and her hand jerked in reaction.

The result was immediate, and she instantly heard Lieutenant Raymore scream, "What the heck was that Lieutenant?"

She ignored the comment, trying her hardest to keep the swaying jet on-course. "Report?"

His voice slightly shaking, Raymore answered almost instantly, like he had been patiently awaiting the question. "Damaged right wing; fire in second engine. You need to land this right now!"

"Base is only a few miles North," she protested, still struggling to keep the plane straight, now using two hands on the steering column.

"Negative. We don't have that much time. That engine is going to blow. We need to get the hell outta here."

Nodding even though she knew he couldn't see, she started heading for the ground, putting the jet into a shaky nose-dive. It wasn't long before Raymore screamed again, this time in shock as the remainder of the right wing tore off from the pressure, hitting the tail end as it sailed off behind them.

Knocked off course once again, she couldn't do anything as the jet began spinning out of control, "EJECT! EJECT LIEUTENANT!"

She didn't even have time to radio the base before she pulled.

A second later, she was heading towards the ground as a huge explosion erupted over her head.

The wind was pounding in her ears and she could feel that unmistakable plummeting sensation deep in her core.

* * *

"I'm so sorry Janet."

With a smile, the young brunette shrugged on her knee length white coat, "It's not your fault. I'll be okay. Really."

She was lying, even to herself. There was no way, no way in this world that this was even remotely okay. As it was, she tried her hardest to keep the tears from her eyes as she turned away from her superior.

"Lieutenant, you need to talk to someone about this."

Janet turned back, "I will," she said, her voice only a little shaky, "I'll talk to David. I have to tell him anyway."

"Not David. Someone else; someone who can comfort you."

Laughter actually bubbled up at that comment, even if it was bitter "He is capable of comfort, he does have a heart."

"Not from what I've seen."

Rolling her eyes, Janet pulled open the door and strolled out, fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill.

"Lieutenant Fraiser!"

She heard the voice but had no intention of turning to confront her superior officer. This was a personal matter.

"LIEUTENANT FRAISER!"

He was louder this time, and she had no choice but to turn. The entire room was full of injured patients and medical personnel, most of which were military, just like she was. Disobeying her CO with this many witnesses could result in something she really didn't want to deal with.

So she turned and looked him in the eye, an expression of clear dislike in her gaze.

"Front and centre."

Just as she was about to move towards him, readying herself for the argument she knew would follow, an argument she KNEW she couldn't win, when an alarm sounded overhead.

"Jet down! I repeat, jet down! Medical assistance required in sector 4C. Two men down!"

The message repeated as chaos irrupted around her.

Her CO gave her a nod as he headed towards a phone on the wall and she took charge. "Get the kits together! Two teams people, and secure the stretchers on the trucks!" She moved towards the crowd of medics around the supply room, two male nurses inside chucking out bags to each of the waiting medics.

As she approached, the taller of the nurses saw her and grabbed for a slightly larger bag behind him. "Good luck," he said as she grabbed for the bag.

Smiling, she took off, pulling her white coat off and throwing it onto the hook, not caring how it landed.

As she reached the truck, she saw the CMO rushing past her, pulling on his pack and heading for the first truck. Pulling herself into the back, she took a green vest from one of the medics already waiting to go. She pulled it on, catching the zipper and pulling hit up to cover her chest. The vest matched her cargo pants, and she was somewhat glad that she hadn't worn her uniform that day.

"Lieutenant Fraiser, come in," came her CMO's voice from the walkie in the top pocket if the vest.

"Go ahead, doctor."

"We're expecting heavy damage in the area. F-15 exploded during routine test rounds, an investigation into the incident will be going ahead. Make sure you remember everything that is said. It's Lieutenant Raymore and the new pilot, Lieutenant Carter. They ejected close to the ground, so expect head injuries."

She nodded, pulling her bag close as the truck took off at speed, "Who am I taking?"

"Lieutenant Raymore is reported to be in worse condition, so I'll take him. Good luck Lieutenant."

"Thank you, sir. Fraiser out."

At the sight, for as far as she could see, there was devastation. Bits of the F-15 were scattered all over, teams racing around to secure the area.

Lieutenant Raymore was in bad shape from what she could see. Only half of his face was visible, the other covered completely in blood. As they drove past, she could see that he was thankfully unconscious, two airmen surrounding him, putting pressure on his many wounds.

Lieutenant Carter wasn't much better. Unlike Raymore, she was not surrounded by a chute, suggesting she impacted the ground without being slowed down. Her left leg was at an odd angle, clearly broken. To Janet's great surprise, she seemed to have few open wounds. There was a gravel burn on her right shoulder and small scratches along the right side of her face,

Ordering the medic at her side to get her the scissors, she set to work cutting the material of the flight suite away.

When her right arm was revealed, she moved to the Lieutenant's left to continue her examination while a medic cleaned the wound.

While pushing down on the revealed chest and abdomen, a worried look crossed her face. "Internal bleeding," she said softly, sliding her hands back to the pilot's chest, "Perforated lung, clear rib damage... we need to get her back right away."

Leaving her hands, she turned, yelling at a nurse behind her to prep the stretcher. Turning back and continuing to feel around, she was shocked when her patient groaned and opened her eyes.

"Lieutenant Carter, we're going to transport you back to the base. You need surgery," she said, her voice comforting, "How do you feel?"

"Like I'm dying," the blonde replied, closing her eyes again as she groaned.

"Would you like something for the pain?"

* * *

It wasn't long before they were back on the truck, Lieutenant Carter groggy from the drugs she had administered.

They set her leg and dressed the shoulder wound on sight, and Janet after radioing the CMO Carter's condition, was once again feeling around the blonde's stomach, trying to determine the source of the bleed.

The drugged pilot looked up at her smiling, "In any other circumstance, I think I'd enjoy you trying to feel me up."

Janet had to smile, "You're high," she laughed, trying her hardest not to seem flattered by the comment.

"Yes. But in any case it's not every day a beautiful woman cuts off your clothes and spends minutes on end examining your body."

Against her better judgement, she blushed and winked down at the charming blonde, "Purely professional, I assure you."

"Shame."

Shaking her head and smiling, Janet continued her examination. The remainder of the ride was in silence, Lieutenant Carter succumbing to the drug just as they reached the infirmary.

As it turned out, Lieutenant Raymore's wounds were superficial, so she switched with her CO, cleaning and dressing his many wounds and wrapping both his legs in plaster as Doctor Williams raced Lieutenant Carter off to OR-2.

When she was done, she moved to the locker room, planning on changing from her bloody and sandy clothes and scrub in on the surgery.

Just as she pulled on her dark blue scrub pants and pulled the string tight, the adrenaline rush she had been experiencing seemed to wear off and she collapsed against her locker, her eyes closing.

It all came back to her at that moment, the pain, the dashed hope, the utter sense of loss she seemed to feel for something she didn't even know she had lost until that morning.

It was something she has always wanted, something she had wished for, for all her life. It was something she had hoped could help her marriage, could give both her and her husband something to hang on to, something to hold close when the other wasn't near. But most of all, and secretly, she wanted someone to love her, someone that was hers always, only hers, someone she didn't have to fight for or share with anyone. Someone that would love her unconditionally, a love she didn't have to prove, just a love that was there, no matter what.

Now all how of that was gone, and she was condemned, condemned to a life that she didn't want, a life that she hated, a life she wished she could escape, and all of this because she couldn't have kids.

And with that realisation, she snapped.


	2. Part Two

**Beat of Mt Heart**

Part Two

Zoe Rachael

* * *

The bright, sunny day outside did everything to improve Janet's sour mood as she pulled out of the school parking lot. The sun shining through the windshield onto her face made her breathe a sigh of relief.

It had been an awful lesson, most of which she spent, as usual, arguing with her lab partner about the correct diagnosis on an old infectious disease case.

Jeffery Booth was an extremely persistent man, and on a normal day, Janet would have gravitated towards the intellectual argument. Of course, she was usually correct which was why she tolerated and even enjoyed Jeffery's banter, but her mind had been otherwise occupied during their lesson.

She was stiff and sore from a night spent on the couch. David's continuing anger at her week-old news had resulted in yet another long-winded argument which as usual ended with him downing a bottle of rum and drunkenly attempting a romantic make-up scenario.

It wasn't the first time she had spent the night on the couch to avoid her husband's company, and it wouldn't be the last.

Amazingly enough, the prospect of going to work cheered her up slightly as she pulled onto the highway heading towards the isolated base.

Lieutenant Samantha Carter, at least in Janet's opinion, was definitely something to brighten one's day. In the week Carter had been confined to the infirmary, Janet had found herself gravitating towards her private room.

She found herself performing rounds on that particular room twice as often as necessary just for a chance to talk to the blonde pilot, a fact that although unnoticed by the infirmary staff, definitely wasn't slipping past the intelligent Lieutenant.

In their conversations, Janet had discovered that Sam had transferred from Colorado where she had just earned her PhD in engineering and preliminary astrophysics. She had discovered that the blonde had been involved in an accident in Colorado when a supply truck she and her superior were escorting to the base, lost control and hit a fuel tank. She now knew that she had received an award for bravery a promotion and offered a transfer to the school and base of her choice.

Despite the accident, Janet was becoming more and more glad that the best school for astrophysics in the states was in Idaho.

A huge smile graced Janet's lips as she pulled her car into the parking lot and after gathering her things together, jumped out and planted her feet on the ground.

It was a fair distance from the parking lot to the infirmary so as usual, Janet hitched a ride across the base with two smiling airmen who flirted shamelessly with her the entire ride. They dropped her at the door, waving at her as they drove away and she grinned, enjoying their attention.

Dropping her bag in the locker room and swiping in, Janet decided to check in on Sam before getting changed for her shift. As usual, she was over thirty minutes early and it was good to have something to pass the time for once.

As she walked in the door of Sam's room, she saw Carter looking at her watch and smiling. "1426," she said looking up, "That's a slight improvement. By the time I get outta here, you're going to be positively tardy."

The surprising wit always made her smile, but as usual, she had her own quick reply, "This is your goal? Make Fraiser late?"

The smile that broke across Carter's face was one that made Janet almost weak in the knees. "No. Make Fraiser have a little fun. Didn't they tell you, this is a mission, that's why they sent me here from Colorado, the whole F-15 crash thing was a set-up."

Walking over, Janet immediately took Sam's wrist on instinct, checking her pulse, "I have fun. I'll have you know that my downtime consists of so much beer I don't think even you could keep up. Then there was the table dancing incident of '84."

At that Carter raised an eyebrow, "You don't have a video of that one by any chance?"

And there surfaced the charmer again. If there was one thing she knew, it was Carter had confidence. Not many would have the guts to blatantly flirt with a ranking officer like that.

"I might be able to find something for you. I think it's on the same tape as the strip tease of '85," then again if she thought about it, not many ranking officers would flirt back. "How was your night?"

Sam looked a little disappointed at the change of subject but answered immediately, "Good. A little restless, but in this," she pointed to the bed, "it's kind of expected."

Janet smiled at this, moving to sit on the edge of the bed in question, "Which brings me to some good news," she paused for effect as Sam sat forward slightly, "I've talked to Williams and we've decided to discharge you."

Sam squealed slightly, lunging forward and pulling Janet into a hug, "Really when?"

Janet grinned, "Tonight at the end of my shift," she said, hugging back, "But... only on the condition that you stick to light duties for three weeks. You can work on the deck, but NO flying."

At this, Sam pulled her tighter, "Thank you!"

She couldn't help smiling at Sam's enthusiasm, and they both held the hug a little too long before pulling back and smiling. "Now you have a decision to make. You can eat this hospital food that they'll bring you in a couple of hours and I'll take you to your quarters when my shift is done, _or_..." she smiled as Sam waited for her to finish, "You can pass up the lovely menu here at USAF Idaho and wait a few hours for me to take you out for a celebratory dinner, and you can spend the night at my place."

Sam's face fell at the last statement and Janet felt a little disappointed at her reaction and began to back-peddle, but Sam beat her to it. "What about your husband?"

A light going on in Janet's head, she smiled again. Janet knew that from what she had said of her husband, Sam didn't like him much, not that she blamed her, even she thought David was a jerk, not that she ever told anyone that. "He's on a business trip for the next three weeks. He won't be a problem."

* * *

Sam spent the night eagerly anticipating her departure. After deciding to spend the night with Janet, she wasn't sure exactly how to act around the woman. Now their relationship had changed, not necessarily in a bad way, but changed all the same. Although there didn't seem to be a difference to the outside eye, talking about their pasts and their lives while Sam was confined to a hospital bed was one thing, dinner and a 'sleepover' was another.

In all truth, it was a huge step, especially for them, and she knew she was stepping into dangerous territory.

She knew, and she assumed Janet knew too, that she had feelings for the small brunette, feelings deep enough to be extremely jealous whenever she saw the thin golden band surrounding Janet's left ring finger.

There was no doubt in her mind that Janet was fully aware of her feelings. The brunette was a smart woman, there was no way she thought that the brief touches and heavy flirting were just friendly gestures. Then again, Sam had never tried to disguise them as such. She had been open about her attraction right from the start, she could even hazily remember flirting shamelessly with the Medic as they transported her back to the infirmary the day they met.

Then again, she was pretty sure Janet shared her feelings despite her marital status.

As 2330 approached, Janet once again stood in her doorway, now wearing her uniform, navy skirt held tight around her waist, light-blue shirt tucked in, buttoned to the collar, the blue tie holding tight. The golden bars on the tips of her collar completed the look and reminded Sam that she outranked the brunette. Over the top of it all was Janet's white coat, although not technically a doctor, everyone around here knew that Janet was just as qualified as Doctor Williams, even if her papers didn't say so.

"You ready to go?"

Having dressed in civies hours previously, Sam jumped off the bed, ignoring the slight pain that momentarily shot through her side, "Get me outta here."

Smiling, Janet turned on the spot and Sam followed. On the way out, Janet deposited her lab coat in the locker room and continued towards the exit. Outside, Sam was shocked to find a truck, two airmen sitting in the front apparently awaiting their arrival. "Sam, meet Airmen Chuck Wells and Airmen Tony Daniels, they will be giving us a lift to my car." Sam nodded to the men as Janet held out a hand to help her into the back of the truck, "Now boys, behave, or Lieutenant Carter may have something to say to your superiors."

Raising an eyebrow at Janet, she watched as the woman just smiled and shrugged as they drove off. Janet maintained a steady conversation with Wells and Daniels on the trip and gave them both a kiss on the cheek before jumping out of the truck. Slightly dazed, it took the men a few seconds to take off, leaving Janet laughing and leaning against her car. "God I love teasing those two."

Sam couldn't help shaking her head and closing her eyes, one thing she knew about Janet, she sure had guts.

Behind the Dialogue2


	3. Part Three

**Beat of My Heart**

Part Three

Zoe Rachael

* * *

It was all a blur in her head now, first the slight twitch in her hand and then all she could remember was flames, and screaming.

It was always her screaming, that never changed, it was the state of the figure beside her that changed. Sometimes, on her more optimistic days, he smiled at her, raising his body at his own will and simply walking away, but even her subconscious knew it was a lie. For most nights when she turned to him, the damage was immediately apparent. For most nights, her screams continued even after she had pulled him from the wreckage, and they continued after the blast as her eyes filled with tears.

When she woke, the quiet overtook her, and her hand, the one which had caused all the damage in the first place, shook like it was sitting steadily on the ground at the centre of an earthquake.

She knew she didn't deserve what she got, she knew that the lie she was living would eventually catch up with her, but she also knew that for some reason, she could live with that, and she thought it may have something to do with the woman who walked hurriedly into the room, flicking the light on as she did.

"Are you alright." Janet asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and as was usual, talking the blonde's wrist into her grip and feeling for a pulse, timing it in her head. "Sam, you're pulse is crazy, what happened, I heard you scream."

"N-nothing. Dream, that's all."

One thing Sam knew, Janet would never look at her the same way if she knew. Knew that the accident that brought them together was something she was very much responsible for.

"Understandable. You have been under some stress, and been involved in two very serious accidents in a short space of time."

"Please," Sam said, closing her eyes and gently pulling her wrist from Janet's grasp, "Don't remind me."

Being the intuitive person she was, Janet knew there was something Sam wasn't telling, she had known it right from the time they started talking, when Sam averted her eyes when she told her about the original accident in Colorado. "You wanna talk about it?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"Not in this life-time." Sam, despite her words, looked at Janet and smiled, "I need time. Maybe, one day I'll tell you."

* * *

The base was busy the following morning as Sam walked across the strip towards her quarters.

Janet had dropped her off on her way to school, wishing her luck for her first day back and warning her not-so-subtly not to work too hard. "And remember, no flying," had been their parting words as Janet gave her a reassuring smile and drove off.

She had over half an hour before she had to report to her CO for her orders, so she took her time walking to her quarters, watching with a wistful eye as an F-15 took off with lightening speed, the sound of its engine reaching her ears just as it reached the horizon, almost out of sight.

In her head, she knew it wasn't responsible for her to ever step inside a cockpit again, but in her heart, she couldn't believe that her dream of leading a squadron of fighter jets into battle, of one day joining the space program and flying away from the surface of the plant, would never come true. She had always been a fighting woman, and she would fight for her dreams.

Then again, it was her fighting for her dreams that got her into this mess in the first place.

"CARTER!"

She heard her name as she walked onto the flight-deck and froze, turning in place. Her CO, Major Kinney was a large man, and though he didn't intimidate her, he tried his hardest to do so.

"Yes sir?" she asked, walking over and saluting him.

He raised his own hand and she lowered hers, "In my office, the Colonel is waiting for you."

Glad she had taken her time readying herself to face her CO, Carter took a deep breath and followed him towards his office.

Inside, in the Major's seat sat an even larger man, this shoulders broad and his head bald, his hat in his lap, his eyes facing the wall just to the left of them, apparently looking over the commendations and pictures obscuring the walls from his vision.

Sam instantly stood at attention as she entered, and went to raise her hand, but was stopped when his voice reached her, "As you were," he said, adjusting his eyes so they were trained on her. "Lieutenant Carter," he said, a smile reaching his lips, "I've heard great things about you. I know your father, he's a great man."

"Thank you, sir."

"I'm Colonel Hammond, I was sent here to investigate your little accident, and I just have some questions."

Sam's eyes almost widened in surprise and fear, but she kept them neutral, "Of course sir. What would you like to know?"

At first, he just stood there, and Sam then discovered that she had actually found a man that she found intimidating who wasn't her father. "Have a seat," she heard him say, and she did, bending her knees slowly until she felt the seat below her. She felt the Major sit in the seat beside her. "Did you find any problems with the steering column before you hit the rock-face?"

_Problem with the steering column,_ she thought, shaking her head internally, _More like problem with the Pilot._ "No sir, nothing at all."

"What exactly did you feel?"

"Well sir," she began, thinking it through thoroughly before answering, "It was a lot like a tug, like when riding over an air bubble, and you're pushed to the side to avoid it. Or like hitting a slight rise in the road, and the car moves itself to the most comfortable position."

"And you don't believe there was a way to avoid it?"

She thought, of course she knew there was a way to avoid it, but it involved her giving up every dream she had ever had. So she lied, again, "No sir. There was nothing I could have done."

"That's all the questions I have then. Tell your father I said hello. Good luck Lieutenant."

"Thank you, sir."

The Major walked her to the door, giving her orders to assist on the rebuild of the engine before he too wished her luck and sent her on her way.

She walked slowly to the flight deck, her head swimming in all the lies she just told. Wishing she had the guts to come clean, wishing she had the guts to own up to what she had done.

Raymore too was assisting on the rebuild, something she had anticipated but not fully prepared herself for. Though he was her assigned Rio, she had never much liked the boy, and he was that, a boy, only 20 years of age, promoted up the ranks by means not of talent, but of connections.

His father, General Raymore had been her first commanding officer, and she had never been fond of him either, though she knew he was good friends with her father, which really meant very little to her.

"Back at last Lieutenant," said one of the airmen, smiling kindly at her, "Glad to have you back."

"Nice to be back Gerald," she replied, returning his smile.

She heard the snigger of one of the Airmen who hadn't stood to greet her and her gaze flew behind the men greeting her. Raymore stood there, an angered look on his face accompanied by an arrogant sneer. "Yes, fantastic to have you back, Lieutenant. We can't wait to see who you try to kill next."

She could still see the evidence of the crash on his face, one of the cuts still pinkish and leaving a small hairless patch amongst his stubble. She didn't reply, her guilt enough for her to keep her temper to herself.

"What, no comment? Well, maybe your girlfriend in the infirmary will have some answers as to why you can't fly a plane, huh. Nervous tension, sexual tension maybe? She not putting out?"

Sam had known when she had seen Raymore's face upon his release, when he saw Janet sitting on her bed, taking her pulse with her fingertips, she had known that he would bring it up.

Not that it was common knowledge and not that she had even acted as her usual self since her transfer, but some around the base knew of her reputation in Colorado as a womanizer. The military was a rumour mill as vast as the Sahara, and Sam had expected it to catch up to her eventually, what she hadn't expected was the rage that would boil up inside her.

Raymore was the homophobic type, the kind that would spout about how disgusting he thought it was but in his free time, get off on it. She hated that type.

"Well," she said, advancing on him, a menacing look on her face, "Maybe if I had a capable Rio at my back, the flight would have gone smoothly. What was it you were chatting about? Some woman who, I believe, passed out in your bed. Are you really THAT boring?"

He took a purposeful step forward, the Airman at his side catching him by the shoulder, preventing him from advancing further. He took a deep angry breath, "Did you and that nurse get it on in that bed? Oh wait, doesn't she wear a ring? Too bad."

That was Sam's last straw, and she pushed past both the Airman and Sergeant who tried to restrain her and took her first swing right at his eye.

He fell to the ground, chuckling at himself as he wiped the blood from his cheek, "Careful now Lieutenant, wouldn't want to damage that hand of your any more now would we?"

The Airman and Sergeant now had her by both arms and she could hear shouting coming from behind them, but she looked down at the man on the ground, and she knew, although he knew her secret, he wasn't telling anyone.

Immediate regret set in and she stopped struggling against her captors and stood still, allowing the rage she felt to dissipate.

Now, she'd really screwed up.


	4. Part Four

**A/N- Okie Dokie... new chapter, hope you enjoy.**

**Beat of My Heart**

Part Four

Zoe Rachael

* * *

It was the phone that brought her out of her deep sleep. She, once again had spent the night at Janet's, an event which had been regular over the past two weeks. At first it had just been that one night, but after that weekend when she and Janet had spent time together off-base, Sam's presence at the Fraiser household had been a every other night occurrence.

It was late, but Sam wasn't sure that Janet had arrived home from the hospital yet. Along with her work at the base infirmary and schooling, Janet also interned at the local hospital for extra cash and experience. There was no doubt in Sam's mind that Janet was destined to become the Air Force's greatest medical asset, and she herself, as an officer, was glad that a woman with Janet's talent chose to work for the military as opposed to out in the civilian world.

She had asked Janet about it one night over dinner and Janet had looked across the table and smiled. "David asks me that question every day. He doesn't understand that my drive to work for the military comes from something I can't explain to anyone who doesn't understand my need to serve my country."

Sam had smiled back at her, taking her chances as she reached across the table and took Janet's hand into her own, "I understand. My drive to someday become a part of the airspace program takes nothing away from the fact that being a pilot can protect the people I love the most. If called to war, I know I wouldn't hesitate."

Janet's face told her all she needed to know when she grimaced. Sam had smiled, she loved that Janet worried about her, even in the hypothetical sense.

"Hello?"

While reminiscing about the past few days, Sam had made her way from the bedroom and into the living room and over to the side table where Janet's mustard yellow phone sat.

"Janet?"

Though she had never met the man and knew that she could in no way identify him by voice, Sam knew that the man that had just spoke Janet's name was indeed her husband, David. Her head screamed in worry as her body actually flopped down on the couch, "Ah, no, she's at the hospital. Who's calling?"

She could hear him rare up in anger and prepared herself for the tirade she knew would be coming. "Her husband! And who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing in my house!"

Sam swore internally, wishing, almost preying that she hadn't answered the phone and had instead stayed in her blissful slumber. "Ah... I'm Lieutenant Carter, Lieutenant Fraiser asked me to watch the house tonight, there has been some vandalism around the neighbourhood and she had an emergency at the hospital." Sam cringed again at her lie.

David, for his part, calmed down immediately, causing Sam to roll her eyes. She knew this guy was a punce, he was not good enough for Janet and what bothered her more was that Janet knew it. "Oh, well... in that case I will ask you to give her the message that I will be flying home early and should land tomorrow at 11. Didn't want to give her a nasty surprise."

His voice, as she knew it would be, was oddly charming, and Sam knew that the face that he had shown Janet before their marriage must have been a very different one to the one he had shown after they were wed. Sam knew that David was the kind of man that would do all he had to do to get what he wanted, and it was clear that he had wanted Janet.

Sam's problem was that she did too.

"Not a problem at all. I will let her know."

After she hung up the phone she looked at the clock, it was 11:45 and Janet had promised to be home by 12, so she decided to wait.

Looking around the room Sam knew that she was going to have to assist Janet with a quick clean-up before David returned home the following day. Janet had informed her of the way her husband believed a house should be kept and Sam believed that the clothes currently tossed haphazardly around the living room didn't quite live up to those standards.

As she waited, Sam stood, flicking the living room light on and moving around the room to pick up all the redundant clothing. She heard Janet's car pull into the driveway just as she bent down to pick up a small overnight bag in which she shoved all of the clothes in her hand before pulling the zipper closed with some difficulty.

The door opened and Janet almost skipped into the living room from the foyer, smiling brightly. She walked over to Sam, still grinning.

"I'm home," she sung, happily, obviously not noticing Sam's expression, "Today was brutal," she said, leaning against the couch as she pushed her shoes off with her toes. "But I have to admit," she walked closer to Sam and threw her arms up and around Sam's neck, her smile still not fading, "The thought of coming home to you was enough to keep me going."

And with that, she placed a small caste kiss on Sam's lips.

Sam didn't know what to do, so she looked down into Janet's eyes, her expression hard, "Janet, we have to talk."

* * *

_Three days earlier..._

Dinner had been heaven, the two of them had talked about anything and everything as they sat across from each other in Janet's kitchen. Sam's cooking, much to both their surprise, was delicious and the white roses that stood in a vase on the kitchen bench made Janet smile every time she looked at them.

"Desert?"

Janet grinned, watching Sam move easily around her kitchen looking for plates and spoons made Janet almost swoon.

The past week had been absolute bliss. With her husband out of town, Janet had used her newly found freedom to spent as much time as she could with Lieutenant Samantha Carter. At first, the shameless flirting that Sam had displayed towards her was something that Janet had enjoyed, but not responded too, especially in the confines of the base infirmary. Once outside the base, however, Janet, who had felt a pull to this wonderful woman right from the start began showing her affections much more freely that she had only to find that her response only made Sam more nervous and, sweetly, more romantic.

Janet was not oblivious to the rumours that had started about them around the base, she had even heard one of the nurses whispering to Doctor Williams about a fight that Sam had almost had with the Rio that had been flying with her before her accident. Janet had been flattered to hear that Sam had defended her honour but also a little disappointed upon hearing of Sam's reputation back in Colorado, a reputation that had apparently followed her.

Everywhere she went she heard whispers about Janet being Sam's first 'conquest' in Idaho, even heard that back in Colorado, Sam had gone through at least 15 enlisted women. She had been in the showers one day when two of the deck's Rio's had walked in talking about Sam. Janet had stopped to listen as the two women spoke of Sam's behaviour over the last couple of days.

"She was flirting with me the first day she was here before the accident. She hasn't said anything to me since so maybe this nurse has changed her. My brother worked with her in Colorado and he said that she slept with three Sergeants serving under her, even went out of his way to tell me that she abused her authority to get what she wanted. Apparently she was a walking red light but from what I've seen she's completely professional and just wants to be a good pilot."

She other Rio replied, "I wonder what changed her, the accident or the nurse?"

The both laughed and Janet went back to her shower, thinking about the question the second Rio had asked. Janet too wondered about that very same thing.

Over desert, Janet watched Sam, watched as she spooned the warm chocolate cake and ice cream into her mouth, watched as she looked over at Janet to see if she too was enjoying it, watched as Sam's tongue shot out of her mouth to catch a drip of ice cream which had missed her mouth.

"You know," she started, still watching Sam, "I heard some things about you this week."

Janet knew she was stepping into dangerous territory, but at this point, she didn't care.

"Oh yea," Sam replied, smirking at her, "What would that be?"

Janet didn't know how to phrase it nicely, she so just came out with it, "Well actually it was about your... eccentricities ... back in Colorado. Apparently, you've calmed."

Sam for her part didn't even attempt to deny what Janet was implying, she just smiled, "Well, I guess someone's had an effect on me."

The room went silent. It was only then that Janet noticed that there was a soft music playing in the living room and she grinned over at Sam. The romantic Sam was absolutely adorable.

Sam stood, offering Janet a hand, "Care to dance?"

After that, Janet had not a single thought of her husband or the deep water that her actions could land her in. At that moment inside her house, she was no longer an officer in the US Air Force, she was no longer a married woman, she was just Janet Fraiser, and Janet Fraiser was going to seize the moment.

They swayed softly to the music, first a few inches apart but after a few minutes, there was no space between them and Janet had her head resting on Sam's shoulder, her arms wrapped around Sam's neck. Sam's arms were wrapped tightly around Janet's waist, her arms crossed at Janet's back.

"I'm so glad I met you," Janet said, her voice soft in Sam's ear.

She felt Sam squeeze her for a moment, "You have no idea. I was such a different person before you. As shocking as it may sound, you've grounded me, made me see what I was doing, how I was treating people. You, Janet Fraiser have probably saved my military career and given me something to fight for."

Janet snuggled closer to Sam, her face nuzzling the blonde's neck, "Oh yea, and what would that be?"

She could almost feel Sam smile, "You, Janet. I'm going to fight for you."

It happened then, Janet couldn't even stop herself, she just took that final step even though she knew taking it meant that she could never go back.

Leaning back, she perched herself on her toes and kissed her, lips slightly parted, one hand travelling into Sam's hair to hold her steady. It was soft at first and lasted minutes, neither of them willing to pull back. When they did, they didn't separate, instead Sam grinned, rubbed her nose with Janet's and leaned in again.

This time there was more heat, Janet fisted the hair at the crown of Sam's head and pulled her closer, Sam's hands loosening from Janet's waist only to clasp at her hips, her fingers grasping so tightly that she was sure she would leave a bruise.

At that point, however, she didn't care, and instead pulled Janet closer and lifted her off her feet.

Janet was moving on instinct alone, never in her life had she felt so much passion, her legs lifted and wrapped around Sam's hips, Sam's hands grasped at her thighs, holding tightly as she backed up and crashed noisily into the dining room wall.

Janet heard a frame fall onto the ground and the glass smash but she didn't care, instead concentrating on kissing her way down the blonde's neck and back up to take her earlobe into her mouth. She stayed there a long time, nipping and teasing the soft flesh while Sam's hands seemed to take on a life of their own.

One hand remained on Janet's backside, keeping her in place while the other moved to Janet's front, specifically to push roughly at the button-up shirt Janet was wearing so she could have unrestricted access to Janet's bra-covered breast.

They eventually made their way hastily through the living room, discarding clothes as they went. At one point Sam actually slammed the back of her legs into the coffee table and fell down upon it, bringing Janet with her. It nearly ended there, right on the wooden table but somehow Janet had enough sense to pull Sam up, and they continued on their journey.

Once they reached the bed, neither of them could hold back and the culmination of their love happened right there, in Janet's guest bedroom.


	5. Part Five

**Beat of My Heart**

Part Five

Zoe Rachael

* * *

Three days, three days of absolute bliss, so she guessed she shouldn't be surprised that it was time for her to live in hell. At least for a few hours.

Janet actually had thought about not returning home the following day, instead contemplated staying at the base instead of returning home to her husband, the thought of just one more night in Sam's arm was enough to make her moan in pleasure, but the reality of the situation forced her to move towards her car as opposed to Sam's quarters.

Sam had stopped in briefly to visit her earlier in the day. After their talk the night before, Sam had decided it would be best if she helped clean-up their passion created mess before returning to base for the night. Janet had objected, almost begging Sam to stay so she could spend the night making love to her before her husband returned, but Sam would have none of it, and with a short, unsatisfying kiss, she walked out the door and to her car.

Janet had greeted Sam in the locker-room of the infirmary, grinning as checked all around them before walking up to her, pulling her close and kissing her senseless, apologising profusely as she did so. "I'm sorry I left. I know I freaked, but you're married, Janet. I didn't know if I could handle that."

Janet, with her arms still tightly around Sam's neck asked; "And? Can You?"

"Do you love him?"

The question with asked with a tone that Janet had never heard from Sam before. Not when she might have been dying, not when she spoke about her career, not when she was being investigated for her crash. No, Janet had never heard Lieutenant Carter speak in fear before, and it kind of scared her.

"I... I thought I did. Before we got married he was my entire world, I had our long, happy lives together planned. But David... the man he is now isn't the man I married. I love the man he was. So no Sam, I don't love him. I love you"

She hadn't planned on saying it, it had just slipped out, but the reaction she got was enough to make her relax. Sam pulled her in tight, audibly breathing in her scent. She didn't let go for a few minutes, and Janet enjoyed every second.

"I love you too."

They stood there for a long time in each other's arms. Janet's hands started to wonder, first just across Sam's back but soon after, Janet found herself pulling Sam's black shirt from the back of her neatly pressed trousers, and heard briefly, Sam beginning to protest, but ignored it.

She knew where they were, knew that at any moment Dr. Williams or any of the other medics could walk into the locker room but she didn't care. The moment came upon her like she had never felt before, the feelings she had for the woman in front of her surpassed anything she had ever felt and she couldn't hold them in any longer.

"Sam, please," she begged as Samantha's hand travelled the length of her body and slipped down the front of her long skirt.

Sam moaned in her ear as Janet ran a single finger on the inside of Sam's belt, along the bare skin of her pelvic bone. In a second Janet was pressed against the wall that was behind them, hidden from the door by the row of lockers closest to them, and Sam tugged the zipper at Janet's backside.

It was such a insignificant feeling that Janet hardly paid attention to it, that was until Sam was three feet in front of her and the sensations running through her body were amplified by the rugged, mussed look of her superior officer. Her eyes almost rolled back into her head at Sam's appearance, untucked, breathing heavy, her short hair pulled forward and covering her eyes causing Sam to look at her through a small gap in blonde strands.

Sam held the wrist of her right hand in the palm of her left and looked from Janet to the wrist in question many times before turning her back on Janet. As Sam cleaned herself up, Janet used the moment to reflect on Sam's actions. The hand had shook, vibrated like it was holding the top of a hand blender as Sam had pushed it down the back of Janet's tight skirt.

"Sam," Janet whispered, moving closer to Sam with small, quiet steps.

Sam was just tucking in the back of her shirt into her belted pants, and she froze as Janet stepped close enough for her to feel.

"Sam, what's wrong? What happened? Is your hand okay, do you need me to have a look at it?"

"No." Sam snapped quickly, and with a brief, almost apologetic look back at Janet, she fled the room and the building.

Janet spent the remainder of the day thinking of the incident, and it had taken all her strength at three to walk towards her car instead of heading off to the flight deck to check that Sam was okay.

And now here she sat, in her own personal hell, guilt swelling up inside her, more and more with each passing second.

David sat beside her, his hand on her thigh, his lips moving along her neck.

"You're tense honey," he said, sweetly, as he always did when he wanted her.

Janet pulled away from him, keeping her attention on the television as she spoke, "I'm distracted. There's been a lot going on at work."

"Want to talk about it?" he asked, but as he moved close enough to hold her hand, she knew it was only because he was trying to butter her up to get into her pants.

She felt horrible. Sam was sitting at the base in her quarters alone, and she was with her husband, about to have sex. She knew that she felt guilty for the wrong person, knew that she should feel guilty about the time she had spent with Sam, about their activates only a few feet from where she sat and even more guilty about her action earlier that day when her libido had gotten the better of her in the locker room. But she didn't, instead she felt bad about sitting, about to do her own husband and not being with Sam when she really needed her.

The phone, thankfully saved her from the kiss that Davis was about to plant on her and she breathed a sigh of relief as he walked to the phone.

"Hello. Yeah, I'll grab her."

He walked to her and handed her the phone, putting the base on the coffee table as Janet took the receiver. "Hello?"

It was Sam, and she smiled.

"Hey. Look, I'm sorry about today. There's something that I have to tell you, but not on base. Can you meet me?"

Janet looked at the time. It was late, she knew David wouldn't like her to leave now, especially not for personal reasons.

"Can't you get anyone else?" she asked.

Sam's response was expected, and she had to try extremely hard to suppress a laugh. "What?"

"Where's Doctor Williams?"

She heard Sam laughing, "Well Doctor, I'm going to assume that he's at home with his wife making sweet love. You know the kind, like when I slowly run my hands along your thighs and under your skirt before I-"

Janet actually moaned, but disguised it as one of annoyance as she realised what she was doing, "What's his heart rate?"

"Increasing," Sam replied, and she could hear the grin in her voice.

"I'll be right there, keep him stable in the meantime."

"Our place in Twenty?"

Janet nodded, "Will do, Lieutenant."

After hanging up the phone Janet turned to find David standing behind her, his arms crossed in annoyance. "So?"

"I have a patient and Dr. Williams is out of town for the night," she moved to walk past him and into the hall but her grabbed her arm in anticipation of the move.

He took a deep breath before speaking. "I haven't seen you for over a week, Janet. I would like to spend some time with my wife. This job of yours is cutting into that, I think it's something we need to talk about."

Janet rolled her eyes, "I'm not quitting my job David."

He allowed her past him and she picked up the keys, but as she moved to walk out the front door, she heard him say, "Remember why it is you can't have a baby Janet, and then think about if you'll be staying in the military."


	6. Part Six

**Beat of My Heart**

Part Six

Zoe Rachael

* * *

Tears actually poured down her cheeks as she drove, to the point where she pulled over to the side of the road to compose herself. Janet had always known that her husband could be a cruel man, known that he would do anything to get his way but he'd crossed a line, one that she didn't know if she could ever forgive him for.

'Remember why it is you can't have a baby Janet...'

The words echoed in her head and she couldn't stop the tears. Leaning her head forward and resting it on the steering wheel, allowing them to flow free.

He was indeed a cruel man.

* * *

_Two years earlier..._

"Morning Janet!"

Janet, walking with a small bag slung over her shoulder looked up from the piece of toast she had in her hand and smiled, grinned even at the woman walking towards her. "Lauren! Good morning to you too. You ready?"

Lauren, a short red-headed girl was standing beside her car, watching Janet walk towards her, her own smile playing on her lips. "Ah... not even a little bit. How about you?"

Janet shrugged, taking a large bite of her toast. It was cold and dry, but she didn't care, in fact at the moment, it was just how she liked it. "I can't believe this is actually happening. I mean... I'm nineteen, just married, about to have a baby and today I'm going to pass the biggest test of my life... In truth, I don't think there are actually words to describe this feeling."

Lauren's smile widened, "How is bubs?" Leaning forward as she and Janet began walking towards the large building in front of them, Lauren put the whole of her palm against Janet's slightly engorged stomach, rubbing slightly.

Janet's grin was enormous, she couldn't help the joy that swelled inside of her at the thought of being a mother.

It happened at that moment, one of pure happiness turned in to one of pain as she felt like she had just been tossed into a kiln, her entire face on fire. She could hear Lauren repeating her name and at the same time feel something swelling within her like a water balloon, and then a gush as though someone had popped it with a pin.

Her eyes widened, she knew what was happening, knew because like all Medical students, she had studied gynaecology, she knew her baby was dying.

It was the last thing she remembered before waking up in the hospital, a feeling of complete emptiness surrounding her, like she was drowning in darkness, she knew something was missing. She barely even heard the doctor as he spoke, remembered words like 'not enough oxygen,' and 'only one tube' but she knew, without listening that the baby she had been so excited to meet, she knew that it was gone.

"What was it?" she asked as the doctor moved to leave the room. David was at her side, holding weakly onto her hand and he squeezed it at the question, she could see out of the corner of her eye that he lowered his head.

The doctor had smiled at her, a sad smile that showed her just how much he truly cared about his patients and their grief, "A beautiful baby girl, Mrs Fraiser."

* * *

Janet's tears continued to fall as she sat on the side of the road. The memories of that day were some of the worst of her life, and the weeks following were almost worse. David had changed after that, something she had expected, after all, she had changed too. Losing a daughter was one thing, but losing her the way Janet did, it was something devastating for her.

She had always wanted a child, always wanted a baby to hold in her arms, a child to read to before bed. David shared her wish; it was one of the things that had brought them together. Janet had been only just nineteen when she found out she was pregnant. She and David had only just got engaged and she was on the fast track at the Air Force Academy for a scholarship to Med school depending on the outcome of her M-CAT Exams. Life was good for her, and she and David had excitedly decided to keep the baby and had moved their wedding forward to be before the birth of their child.

David blamed the air force for their loss, and Janet had too for a long time, knowing that had been a hit she had taken in training that had caused the damage to her tubes before she had even fallen pregnant. Janet never got over her guilt, but her blame shifted from the Air Force to herself. David never shifted, he blamed both Janet and the military for the loss of his daughter and it had torn their marriage apart.

A light tapping on her window made Janet jump, her head lifting off the steering wheel and looking out the passenger side window.

It was raining outside, but even through the darkness and the rain Janet could make out the figure of Sam, and she sighed in relief, reaching over to unlock the door.

Sam was drenched but was smiling at Janet as she got in the car, "Hey, what happened to our place?"

Her tone was joyous and it cheered Janet up slightly, but she could see the moment in Sam's eyes that she realised that Janet had been crying. All of the playfulness that had been on her face fell and she reached a hand across the mid console and stroked Janet's cheek.

"Baby... what's wrong?"

The concern in her lover's voice actually made her smile, "Nothing now that you're here," she said, trapping Sam's hand between her cheek and her shoulder and closing her eyes in contentment. Sam's closeness was all she needed, Sam's comfort.

The tears coma again, and Janet was relieved to feel Sam's hand coming up to her face to carefully wipe the tears away before moving her head forward and kissing the shinning cheeks. "Janet... Janet what did he do to you?"

A small laugh actually managed to escape from Janet's mouth, "I love you," Sam continued to stare her down, and Janet sighed, "I'm not ready Sam. I'm sorry, I'm not ready to go there, it's too painful."

For a long moment she was confused by Sam's expression, the clear blue eyes showed a hidden pain, and it took Janet a few seconds to realize what her words might have implied. Just as Sam was pulling away from her she reached out a hand and cupped her cheek, brushing her thumb across the crest of her cheek bone and smiling as Sam's sad eyes moved up to meet hers.

"I don't mean this, us. I'm ready for us, I love you. But there a things about my past with David that I can't talk about yet, it's too fresh. I need time, can you give me time?"

Sam responded with a nod, her eyes still sad but the pain hidden within them was gone. "I... I have to explain about what happened earlier today. I... I'm scared about what you'll think of me. It's not something I'm proud of and you'll have every right and obligation to go to your CO and report me. I'm not going to ask you not to, I'd never put you in that position, never. But please... hear me out and please... don't hate me."

But the time Sam had finished speaking, their roles were reversed. Sam had tears spilling from her eyes and Janet was at a loss. Sam's behaviour was something she thought was something she would never experience. Sam the tough pilot, Sam the cocky, romantic, sexy pilot who never let anything get to her, the kind of woman who could still flirt even while in extreme pain or under heavy sedation. This was her Sam, the strongest woman she had ever met, breaking down in her arms, before her very eyes.

"Sam... I'm right here okay. I'll never leave your side, understand. I'll be right here whenever you need me, and I could never hate you."

The tears only intensified at her words, and Janet actually climbed over the centre console in her large four wheel drive and straddle Sam, her knees pushing into the deep corner of the seat and she pulled Sam forward and into her arms, cradling her head.

Sam's face was buried deep in Janet's neck before she spoke and it was quiet, and if she hadn't been so close, Janet never would have heard her. At her words however, the tears turned into wracking sobs and Janet had no choice but to shush in her ear and rock her back and forth, despite the shock she was in.

The words echoed in her mind, her eye brows furrowed, not believing that she could have heard correctly. Sam, her Sam, was the kind of woman who would never put others in danger and here she was expressing her raw guilt of what she had done, deliberately.

Janet almost didn't believe it, but Sam's obvious deep guilt was enough to tell her it was true. And so she continued to rock her back and forth, her fingers running through Sam's soft, short blonde locks, shushing in her ear and every so often placing a kiss on the soft flesh where Sam's cheek met her ear.

But Sam's words continued to echo in her mind: "The accident, it was my fault. My wrist..."


	7. Part Seven

**Beat of My Heart**

Part Seven

Zoe Rachael

* * *

_August 6__th__ 1989_

It was dark outside, so dark in fact, that Sam was sure she wouldn't be able to see her own hand before her face if she held it right in front of her eyes. She had opted not to wear the night vision goggles, as had most of her team, and see, like most of her team or so she suspected, was probably regretting that decision now.

She could only see her CO because of the light streaming out of the building beside them, it's large windows providing them with the light they needed to skirt it's border towards the large bolted door up ahead. Her CO, Captain Maguire held his arm up, his fist shut tightly and the team stopped immediately. Maguire turned to them, pointing at Sam and her Rio, Lieutenant Lane. Sam, in the light saw her Rio grin at her as she moved to take the lead.

Sam couldn't help but roll her eyes, despite the seriousness of their situation.

Chantelle Lane had been Sam's Rio since Sam had finished her F-15 training. For nine months they had shared their careers, their dreams and their inner most thought and feelings. Sam, for her part had seen what was coming next from a mile away, after all, she was well aware of her reputation around the base, well aware of her name as a 'womanizer' and actually found herself coming to be quite fond of the name, and the reputation.

She was not however, quite as promiscuous as she was made out to be, though not a saint, she had after all had plenty of woman on and off base since she had returned to Colorado, she had not, as suggested, slept with fifteen enlisted women, in fact, she hadn't slept with any enlisted women, at least not since she was one herself.

Chantelle was one of her 'conquests' but in truth, it had been Chantelle who had seduced her. Not that she minded, Chantelle was a beautiful, her big brown eyes were so expressive and Sam could never get enough of her long, never ending legs. They had been sleeping together for a long time, and Chantelle, as most women did, wanted something more substantial from their relationship.

Sam on the other hand was quite happy to play the field, she was not even close to wanting to settle down, even if she had real feelings for Chantelle, they weren't enough for her to give up on one day finding something, someone she _couldn't_ walk away from.

Sam had told Chantelle this, and it was this that caused the brunette to smile as she passed her, for Chantelle was determined to become that woman that Sam just couldn't walk away from.

Following Chantelle, Sam stopped again when they reached Maguire. He made some hand signal stating that Sam and Chantelle were to throw the smoke bomb in the doors and wait for it to fill the complex before the two of them would enter and hide before radioing outside with a status report when the smoke had cleared.

Sam nodded to her Captain who grinned at her and motioned for her to take the lead.

Chantelle followed close on her tail, both of them back in stealth mode as they moved along the perimeter of the warehouse. Sam could hear voices inside as they approached the door which was surprisingly, open. Sam motioned for them to stop and silently told Chantelle that she was going to go to the other side of the doorway, hoping that the darkness of the night would hide her from anyone inside the warehouse.

Chantelle nodded and Sam ran to the other side of the door, taking a deep breath as she reached the other side and pulling her automatic gun to her chest. She closed her eyes and then as quickly as she could, peeked around the door frame, pulling back almost instantly.

Inside she could see at least three men guarding the entrance, heavily guarded, but she also knew that they were not expecting an attack and the smoke would shock them. Nodding to Chantelle she watched as the other woman pulled a trigger from what looked like a grenade and threw it into the room she had just surveyed.

As soon as the smoke bomb went off, Sam and Chantelle moved forward, their eyes closed. Sam took Chantelle's hand as they moved and guided her behind a small container she had seen. After opening her eyes she saw a guard that was heading for the commotion at the door turn and look at them, and she had no choice.

She opened fire, watching as her bullets hit him and he fell backwards onto a shipping container, his own gun flying into the air.

Beside her Chantelle was radioing outside, asking for back-up. Maguire and the rest of the team were there almost instantly, and Sam stood to open fire towards the men at the door who were shooting in their direction.

It was then that she felt it, not a pain, but more of a pinch in her right shoulder. She continued firing, that was until she felt it again, and she looked down at her shoulder in confusion, expecting the strap of her weapon to be pinching her skin, what she wasn't expecting was blood, what she wasn't expecting was what looked like burning flesh.

"Sam!" she heard Chantelle's voice and then she felt it, it wasn't a pinch this time, it was a pain so great that she wasn't sure if it was the force of the shot or the pain itself that knocked her backwards.

It was all a blur then, she could hear Chantelle's voice, see her face even, but her voice was slurred, like she had spent the night drinking, and Sam looked up at her in confusion.

"Why?" she asked, "Why are you crying?"

Next thing she knew, Chantelle was lying on top of her and she could feel warmth over take her, then there was nothing but blackness.

* * *

"Sam?"

"Lieutenant Carter, can you hear me?"

"Her shoulder should heal well, it took some time but we think we repaired the nerves, she should be back on her feet in just a few weeks."

"How do we tell her about Chantelle?"

"Listen Sam, I know you're in there listening so hear me out okay, I know you're going to blame yourself for this, probably already are but listen... She never would have left your side Sam, you know that. We all know it's against regs, but she loved you, remember that."

"Sam... Lieutenant, you in there?"

"I'm sorry about Chantelle Sam."

"Sam..."

"Congratulations Lieutenant, you're returned to flight status."

Sam smiled at her CO, almost grinning at the thought of it, at the thought of being behind the control again. "Thank you, sir."

He smiled right back at her, slogging her on her back, "Think you're up for an exercise this afternoon?"

Sam's smile grew and she stood at attention, "You're wish is my command... Sir."

"Nice to hear, Carter. See you on the flight deck in 30. Move out soldier."

"Aye Aye, Captain," she said with a teasing grin.

He stayed at her side for a few seconds, a serious look on his face then he smacked her on the back again, "Good to have you back, Carter."

"Good to be back, Sir."

* * *

She felt it for the first time on her way to the flight deck, but she ignored it, so glad to be back in an F-15, so glad to be back in the air.


	8. Part Eight

**There will be Stargate elements later on. This is a LONG story and I will get there so please hang in there and enjoy the younger more open Sam and Janet until then. LOL. Please read and review and any ideas or suggestions will be greatly appreciated and considered. **

**Thanks for reading.

* * *

**

**Beat of My Heart**

Part Eight

_Zoe Rachael_

* * *

She conducted the tests alone, knowing that doing so could end both her military and her medical career. What surprised her more than her willingness to risk both was the fact that she really cared very little about what she could lose and in fact cared more about how much Sam could lose.

It made little sense to her as to why she was so worried about another's career especially given that Sam had risked her career when she didn't report her spasm to her CMO before her transfer.

The revelation of Sam's injury however had brought to light some of the things about Samantha that before she was unable to piece together, like her guilt for receiving a metal for her bravery when she had committed such a sin against the military. Also her distaste for Lieutenant Raymore, her former Rio, became much clearer, he was after all the one man that knew her secret.

Sam had told her that Raymore was known throughout the Air Force, that she had heard of him before moving to Idaho and had even requested for him to be her Rio when flying her first mission. She however, also told Janet that even before the accident that she had very little time for a man who moved through the ranks because of social standing within the military as opposed to actual talent. So her lighter behaviour towards the man after their incident on the flight deck after their accident seemed to be more from guilt at what she had put the young man through as opposed to any reprimand and punishment she had received for the incident.

"X-Ray was clear. I... I think it's a nerve problem Sam. I'd need a MRI to confirm and I can't hide that from anyone, an MRI is very expensive, we don't give them out for free."

Sam, sitting on the cot across the room nodded, her face blank as she looked at the floor by Janet's feet.

"Sam? I think... you need to see s specialist. I'm only a second year Med student Sam... I'm not qualifie-"

"No."

Janet was shocked by Sam's words. In the few days since the blonde had told her of the problem with her wrist, Sam had barely said two words to her. That night, after Sam's tears had abated, the blonde's hands had begun their usual roaming of Janet's body. Janet, for her part and knowing that Sam needed her gave in to the quiet plea for release and allowed Sam's hands to roam under the light sweater she wore and eventually into the elastic waisted pants.

Sam had taken her three times in the passenger seat of Janet's car before she allowed Janet to lower her own hands down to Sam's need. By the time they had finished, late into the night and some may have even called it early in the morning, the car smelled of sex, both women naked and panting in the back-seat.

The following day had been no different. Sam, after cutting herself while working on her F-15 had been taken to the infirmary to be patched-up. Janet had known that the cut had been caused by Sam's wrist and was annoyed by Sam's inability to speak to her.

She had been filling in for Williams and in doing so had been using his office for the day. After leading Sam into the small room, she was shocked to feel Sam instantly press up against her from behind, her lips finding Janet's neck, the one spot that Sam knew Janet's nerve endings ran straight to the apex of her legs.

Sam's hand had plunged down Janet's skirt before Janet even knew what was happening, and she came right there in the middle of her CMO's office, with Sam rocking hard against her backside.

Janet was at the point of feeling used when Sam had entered the infirmary that night, and now, finally, Sam had decided to speak.

"What?"

Sam once again, shook her head, "No. I can't risk losing my job, my place as Post-grad. My doctorate, my career, I can't do it. And I can't ask you to do anything either. So no."

"Sam if you see a civilian th-"

"No."

Janet rolled her eyes, moving closer to Samantha and placing her hands on the blonde's thighs, "Listen to me. Just... listen." She moved a single finger to rest across the blonde's lips as she looked like she may once again interrupt.

"I know you feel that if you talk to anyone else about this then you might lose your career. But I'm a doctor, I've, like every other doctor have sworn to doctor-patient confidentiality. A civilian doctor cannot inform the military of your condition. But..." she paused for a moment, "If it makes you feel any better... you can use my name."

For the first time, Janet actually saw hope in Sam's eyes. For a long moment she just stared, then, out of nowhere, she smiled, leaned forward slowly, and captured Janet's lips in a slow and sensual kiss. "I love you."

Janet smiled in return, her heart fluttering at the words, "I love you too."

* * *

The weeks went by slowly, turning into months before either Sam or Janet realised what had happened to the time.

They had a routine down, Janet, if working the night shift would afterwards walk across the base to Sam's quarters where she would sometimes spend the night while others; she would just stay for a few hours before driving home. That was of course on the nights that Sam wasn't flying a mission.

Sam had managed to keep out of a cockpit for nearly eleven weeks after her accident, working instead on the rebuild of the fighter she had crashed. Upon its completion however, she was forced back into the air unless she revealed her secret to her superiors, which was something she just wasn't ready to do.

"Janet, I can't keep refusing to go in the air. PTSD only works for so long," Sam had argued to Janet after she informed her lover of her upcoming mission.

Janet had rolled her eyes, "Doctor Gillespe told you to keep to the light work, that doesn't include the pressure of an F-15 steering column. Your rehab can't take it."

It had been discussed further, but Sam was relentless, no way was she telling, not when she was on the mend, not when she hadn't had a spasm in three weeks. So far she had been right, so far, the spasms hadn't returned. Her new Rio, 2nd Lieutenant Harris was also a godsend, she and Harris had even started socialising outside of the confines of the flight deck and Sam was beginning to think that she had never been happier.

When Janet was on the day shift, their paths crossed on a more frequent occasion, Sam, whenever needed, escorted those around her to the infirmary, if only to catch a glimpse of the beautiful doctor. Their interaction in public was friendly, but nothing more, as per military regulations, but their interactions in privet were anything but friendly. Neither of them could keep their hands off one another, even if they were just sitting and talking or watching the evening news.

Janet moved through the base to the flight deck after her day shifts, picking up Samantha before heading to an off-site military bar where they met with a few friends almost on a nightly basis, Harris always one of them. After the bar, Janet would escort Sam back to the base, and depending on their mood would depend on how their nights ended.

With her work at the base, her internship at the Academy hospital, her schooling and Sam, Janet spent little time at home with her husband. She found this extremely satisfying, he however, did not. On the rare night that Janet was home from work, he would almost force himself on her. She, for her part didn't actually refuse him, but the guilt she felt changed their interactions and David, after a month, backed off his advances.

"Janet?"

The brunette was sitting in the lounge room, her feet resting on the coffee table as she watched the mid-day news. It was a Sunday, and Janet was lazing around the house waiting for David to finish his packing before heading to the airport for another business trip.

She turned her head and looked behind her, smiling sweetly at her husband as he stood there, a pensive look on his own face. She didn't remove her feet from the coffee table and instead, just rotated her neck to look at him, "What is it?"

He held up one of his business shirts and looked at her expectantly, "My tie, the purple one that goes with this," he shook the shirt, "Have you seen it?"

She thought for a moment. She remembered picking up some dry cleaning for him but she couldn't remember the tie being present. "Ah... I don't think it was with your suit when I picked it up. Check... check the hamper."

He left the room without another word and Janet turned back to the television, watching as red lettering spelling out _breaking news_ popped up at the bottom of the screen. "I've just received news about the situation in Kuwait. The negotiations between Kuwait and the Iraqi's has taken a violent turn. Ambassador Gilspie made a statement just moments ago from her position in the Iraqi capital of Bagdad, we'll cross to the president now at the White House where he is preparing to make a statement on the events."

On the screen Janet saw everything change as a George Bush came on screen, his grey hair blowing in the wind while he stood on the steps of the White House.

"I regret to inform the American public and its allies that today, just hours ago, Iraqi forces penetrated the Kuwait border. An air strike has resulted in the annihilation of Kuwait city and its citizens. Numbers of injured and casualties have not yet been calculated. Ground forces have raided the city and taken command of two of Kuwait's air bases as well as airports. The Kuwait forces were not on alert and it seems that Iraqi forces have taken the lead in this early stage of battle. US Naval and military forces in the area have been put on alert if global action is needed."

Janet watched the screen in shock, not prepared for the actions of the past few days to have resulted in such action from their 'allies' in the Persian Gulf. When it truly hit her, Janet actually drew in a breath of fear, rising from her seat and heading for the door.

She had to see Sam, had to see that she was okay. Sam's father was on assignment in the Gulf, this news would have been a blow to the blonde, even if the taller woman would never admit it out loud.

As she retreated out the front door, her keys in hand, she didn't even hear David's voice screaming at her, asking furiously where she was going. At that moment, the only thing that mattered was Sam.

* * *

**Please Read and Review. Speak to the bard cause I'm on a total roll here. LOL**


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